Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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