Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
