The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
