Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
