Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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