Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
