so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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