Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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