mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
