I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
