Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Randomize
