Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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