I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
