So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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