There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
this hospital has no fireball
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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