Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She bit a glass in half.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
