i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
