Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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