Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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