And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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