Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
