Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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