I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
