peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i wish my penis had a tongue
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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