My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
