OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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