i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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