I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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