In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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