I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
