How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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