I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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