im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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