I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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