I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
