Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
