Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
