just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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