My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
