I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
