So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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