our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
