my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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