My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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