I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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