i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
