i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
