just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
