even my farts smell like vagina
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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