I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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