My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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