my mouth tastes like poor choices
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
God, I missed his penis.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize