My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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