I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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