i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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