those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
